


You Cut Through All the Noise

by Emeli_Thorne



Series: How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful [1]
Category: Pitch (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Bawson endgame, F/M, Fluff, Soulmates AU, beacuse Bawson is meant to be, mike's POV, weird ideas and inspirations
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-12-02
Packaged: 2018-11-23 09:39:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11399961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emeli_Thorne/pseuds/Emeli_Thorne
Summary: SOULMATES AU: For a few decades now, romantic relationships have been governed by magical symbols which would appear on one's body once they had reached a certain age. The appearance of these symbols was so rare at first, that people often did not even notice them until they had met their destined mate and the symbol's effects were activated.Mike is thirty-one years old when his mark activates and he meets his soulmate. He thinks it's going to last forever. And it should...But fate has other plans for him...





	1. Love Forever

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, people of the fandom :D 
> 
> This soulmate fic is based on and inspired by a telenovela, namely Tres Veces Ana. I love this telenovela and it gave me an awesome idea for another Bawson soulmate fic, since my last one was so well received :D (http://the-mimi-hiddleston.tumblr.com/post/156733655894 ) I hope you'll like this one too.
> 
> I know it might have plotholes, but try and ignore those for the sake of this AU, ‘key? Also, I have very little knowledge of baseball, so whatever I mentioned here is from Wikipedia. 
> 
> Fic title taken from Bastille’s song The Anchor. Enjoy and if you wish, leave some feedback. I would very much appreciate it :D

For a few decades now, romantic relationships have been governed by magical symbols which would appear on one's body once they had reached a certain age. 

The tattoo-resembling symbols would, after meeting one’s soulmate, become permanently etched on one’s skin that nothing could erase them. The appearance of these symbols was so rare at first, that people often did not even notice them until they had met their destined mate and the symbol's effects were activated, awaking love, passion, desire, and other similar emotions in them. Awhile after the appearance these mysterious symbols, humans began looking forward to gaining their symbols, then bearing them on their skin like the most valuable gem they had and showing them off to whomever they hoped was their destined lover.

Luckily, there was no way of cheating or forging marks. Even if one happened to artificially create a symbol resembling to that of another person, no one would believe them – the symbol only ever activated once you came in contact with your true soulmate.

Of course, there were those fate did not award with any symbol, or soulmate for that matter. These kind of people either stayed single for the rest of their lives, or married another non-marked person. As unfortunate as this was, the soulmate symbol simply did not allow for non-soulmates to unite, and scientists had yet to discover why.

 The majority of relationships formed on the basis of symbols were successful and lived on till both parties died.

*    *    *    *    *

Michael ‘Mike’ Lawson grew up in a single-parent household and his mother never talked about his father. There were no family pictures, no memorabilia, not a single thing that would remind Mike what his father looked like or who he was. 

From an early age, he made peace with his father being a taboo topic so he never mentioned or asked about him in front of his mother. At night though, or whenever he was alone, his thoughts seemed to wander to that man he never got to meet and the life he could have had, had his father been around.

Jackie was a kind although, sometimes, troubled young woman whose symbol appeared way too early and whose marriage dissolved as quickly as it was signed. Left alone with her toddler son, she couldn’t help the bitterness and resentment that captured her heart the minute her husband told her he was leaving her and their child. As much as she loved him, she loved herself and her son more, so she did the only thing she deemed right – she erased him from their lives, making sure not a trace was left of him. Her heart broke every time her little boy enquired about his dad, but the wound was still fresh no matter how many weeks, months, years passed and she could not make herself speak about him, good or bad.

Aware she was hurting Mike by staying silent regarding his father, Jackie thought it would hurt him all the more to know the reason her husband turned his back on them.

*     *     *     *     *  
Mike had seen his mother’s soulmate symbol plenty of times – a rose with falling petals – but she always seemed to want to hide it as if she were ashamed of it, something unheard of by Mike.

All his friends’ parents wore their symbols with pride that Mike envied them and their families. He wanted to have a dad, he wanted to have parents who weren’t ashamed of their soulmate symbols; he wanted a happy family just like the ones his friends had.   
When he grows up and his symbol appears, Mike promised himself, he would have all the happiness and the most wonderful family one can have, and he would not leave his wife or their children for nothing in this world.

*   *   *   *   *

Mike is thirty-one years old when his mark activates. 

Padres just played against Dodgers and lost epically, so he’s not in the best of moods to speak to the press, but it all falls under his duty as a ballplayer and the new team captain. He manages to change quickly, though not to shower; who cares anyway. He’s got more important things on his mind than showering and making himself look pretty for a bunch of reporters who will write whatever they want anyway, regardless of what he says. 

Al is already sitting at the table in front of three rows of seats for the press, looking agitated and deflated. Mike sympathises with him. There won’t be many chances now of making it to the playoffs if they don’t up their game. 

The room is filled with chatter and camera flashes which Mike hates but since that too falls under his new set of duties, he has no other choice than to endure them. He swiftly scans the crowd noting a few familiar faces. Good, he thinks, he’ll be able to spin the story his way should the need arise.

Ever since he became a ballplayer and came into the limelight, Mike had to learn how to talk to the press, what to say and how to say it, how to aptly deflect the questions and still stay on their good side, and more recently, how to protect his teammates even when the team played like shit and the entire game was a giant clusterfuck.

As he takes a seat next to Al and lets out a long breath, getting ready for the onslaught of questions, Mike feels a light tingling on his left shoulder blade. It feels almost like a tickle at first, until the muscle starts to spasm. It hardly hurts him - he’s already used to these random muscle spasms due to overexertion, especially after each game. His jaw clenches and he closes his eyes for just a second, ‘till it passes. It doesn’t; it feels like someone has a grip on this damn muscle and is not letting go, instead tightening it more and more. Mike rolls his shoulder, grimacing when the grip starts to loosen. The pain slowly ebbs and he feels like he can finally face the music.

It is only after he raises his head and he does another scan of the crowd which appears to have grown since the last five minutes, that he notices a young woman clenching her shoulder, on the exact same side he felt that tingling just moments ago.

The woman, unlike him, seems to be far less used to pain – she is practically bent over, looking like she’s trying to chase away whatever’s wrong with her by viciously massaging her shoulder blade. The lines of her face harden – Mike realises she trying to hold a scream inside. He hears someone ask a question and Al answering, but he’s more focused on her. As he debates whether or not he should get up and call for help, the woman suddenly stills – her hands falls from her shoulder and she lets out a loud sigh that none but him seem to hear for no one reacts.

When she shakes her head and straightens in the chair, Mike feels relieved even though he can’t understand why. Someone calls out his name and Mike is pulled back to reality, and a  room full of people glaring at him, waiting for an answer to a question he didn’t hear because he was too busy looking at that woman. He asks the reporter to repeat the question, sensing Al eyes on him – the man always knew when something’s up with him. 

For the duration of the press conference, he deliberately ignores looking in her direction. He focuses on what is being told and asked, knowing how important it is to put up this facade – confident, charming, witty – in order to save the team’s face, fully aware his words might be twisted and interpreted at their convenience. 

The ends of this dreadful event is in sight, giving Mike just enough of valour to casually turn his head to his left. Just a glimpse is enough, he thinks, just to make sure she’s ok now.

They make eye contact and Mike feels like he’s going to faint because there’s this feeling deep inside of him letting him know his soulmate symbol was finally activated and he is staring at his soulmate. It takes him a few moments to gather his wits. The woman, sitting in the first row, is now looking attentively at him, smiling openly and Mike fights the urge to get up and walk up to her to ask her about the symbol, if she feels the same as he...

*     *     *     *     *

Half an hour later, the press conference wrapped, Mike heads towards the redhead with confidence he absolutely does not feel. When he’s standing in front of her he can see she’s nervous too by the way she tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear. As he extends his hand to her and their fingers come in contact, a wave of dizziness washes over Mike but he fights and instead smiles brightly at the woman who’s sporting the same wide smile.

“Hi. I’m Mike.”

“Rachel” the woman replies, excitement radiating off her.

“Did you feel-” he starts but she’s too eager to reply to let him finish his utterance.

“Yes! I never thought you’d be my soulmate. Guess it was worth it moving all the way from Chicago.”

Before they know it, they’re in Mike’s apartment, the world and everything around them forgotten.

*   *   *   *   *

What he feels for her is exactly what he’s been hearing his friends experienced when they found their soulmates. Wild lust, passion, love, every and any feeling one can think of and so much more. She excites him, makes his body vibrate with anticipation at the mere thought of her; there’s elation in his walk, an undercurrent of pure bliss that arises within him in her proximity.

Mike can’t get enough of this. Which is why he wastes no time in asking for her hand in marriage – he wants it all with her, he wants these feelings to last forever. When he looks into Rachel’s eyes, the symbol stings just slightly, enough to remind him they belong together. That she’s the one for him, that he’s the one for her. There not a trace of doubt in his mind.

He’s mere days away from having what he has been dreaming of since he was a little boy – a family, someone whom he will love with all his being.   
He can’t wait.

*     *     *     *     *  
Mike and Rachel get married just a month after they’ve first met, wild in love and all. 

When he flies his mom over to meet Rachel, they hit it off immediately and Mike hopes he’s made up for his father’s mistakes. 

The night before the wedding, Jackie insists they have a talk, sounding unusually serious. 

They settle on the chairs next to the pool, the night too beautiful to spend it inside. Rachel’s gone to her friend’s wanting to keep with tradition. Mike misses her; they have been spending every minute they could together ever since they met.

Jackie clears her throat and sighs deeply before starting off her monologue.

“My dear Michael... I cannot begin to tell you how much you mean to me, son. You know my life wasn’t easy and when I met your father, I thought I would finally find some peace.”

Mike frowns slightly, as if already knowing where his mother’s going with  this, “Mom-”

“Don’t interrupt me, Michael” Jackie shushes him then continues, “Now, I know I was unfair to you, not tellin’ you about your dad and me, why we’re not together. You know, we were great together, really great.  But life happens and... I could do nothing about it.”

Her voice breaks here and Mike wishes he didn’t ask her, but the words are out if his mouth before he even realises.

“You never did tell me why he left us...” it’s a statement and question wrapped in one; even a plea, if Jackie were paying any attention to the way her son’s eyes rest on her, begging her to give him the answer he’s been wanting his whole life.  
She just shakes her head, steadfastly avoiding even mentioning her ex-husband’s name.

“And I won’t do it now either. I can’t. It hurts too much still. All I wanted to say was... Rachel is a good woman. She will be a great wife to you, a great mother to your children,” the way she says this leaves no doubt she believes in this with all her heart.

It is only when she takes Mike’s hands in hers and leans closer, uttering her next thought that Mike detects hesitation, uncertainty in her words, “and you are going to be a good husband, won’t you Michael? Support her, love her, be honest with her. And most of all, cherish the bond you have. That symbol you share is the most sacred sign of your love. Don’t ever do anything to jeopardise it.”

“Mom-“

“Promise me, Michael!” She exclaims as she clutches his shoulders, a mad look in her eyes pleading with him, “I couldn’t bare you forsaking everything I taught you, everything we know about the soulmate symbols-“

Mike embraces her, holding tightly and whispering in her ear words of assurance, “OK, OK, mom, please stop crying. I love Rachel. I will never leave her.”  

There is a fierce determination in his voice, his face, “the symbols united us and I’m grateful every day to have her in my life, now and forever.”

Jackie breathes a sigh of relief, grinning from ear to ear, at peace finally,“oh, to hear you say that.”

END OF PART 1


	2. Everything Is Perfect

Rachel and Mike get married on a hot June day surrounded by Rachel’s many family members and co-workers and Mike’s teammates and only his mom as a representative of his family. It’s ok, he tells himself. Soon there’ll be more Lawsons and he will finally be able to fill in that damn void that has been growing bigger and bigger with every passing day his dad didn’t return or at least attempted to contact him.

  
There are a few members of the press present - it’s not every day that one of the most famous sports reporters marries one of the most popular baseball players in the country. The ceremony is brief yet sweet, with Rachel in the whitest of gowns looking like vision personified, and the way light catches her red locks cascading down her back makes it look like she’s fire itself. Mike will gladly burn in her flames as long as he gets to have her by his side for as long as they both shall live.

  
They wear matching grins on their faces, though Mike feels just a tiny bit uncomfortable when he goes to scratch at his beard the way he always does when he is nervous and realises it’s no more there. Sure, he had to make himself presentable for his own wedding and he gladly took Rachel’s advice to shave it off ( _I’m not so sure it’ll look all that well in the wedding photos, sweetie_ ). Without it, however, he feels... well, vulnerable. He’s gotten used to the notion of having his beard as his shield, a way to keep something of Mike Lawson to himself the way he keeps his past. It sounds foolish, but the beard became his trademark symbol as much as his number 36 and getting rid of it felt like cutting off a limb. But if it makes him appear a little more civilized and a lot less caveman Mike, he’ll take it.

  
“Hi” he manages to breath out when Rachel finally reaches him. Was he supposed to feel like vomiting? His nerves are getting to him now, sweaty hands clamping at his sides.  
Her lips widen in a smile and when she takes his hand in hers, his mark starts to burn a hole in his shoulder blade - or at least that’s what it feels like the second his skin touches hers. Then, as if by magic, some of that tension that’s been present within him starts to gradually ebb away.  
“You ok there?” her voice trembles just slightly and Mike huffs a laugh. She’s nervous too – the realization roots him in this moment, this place.  
“Yeah. We gonna do this or what?”

* * * * *  
The celebration of the newlyweds lasts well into the wee hours of the morning with the majority of the party dead ass drunk, shouting toasts, Tommy and Blip of all people fighting over the mic, singing their lungs out to some cheesy songs they know grate Mike’s nerves. He laughs at them, with them, as he sits at their designated table, Rachel's warm body pressed firmly against his side.

  
As he looks at all his friends, his adoptive family so to say, Mike finally senses a semblance of peace descend upon his heart. From the corner of his eyes, he catches Jackie observing them. She’s beaming and, for the first time since his father left them, Mike notes, it’s a genuine smile of unadulterated happiness. He’s fulfilling her dream too – he found his soulmate and he’s going to do what his father failed to do – honor the sacred bond they share.

It’s what he always wanted, needed to do. Make her proud, mend her broken and battered heart.

  
Rachel stirs in his arms and leans to whisper in his ear how they should go now, start enjoying their honeymoon and leave their friends to continue parting on their own. Kissing her briefly on the lips Mike takes her by the hand and wrapping his suit jacket around her, leads her to the car already waiting for them to take them to the airport.

  
* * * * *  
They spend three incredible weeks on a beach on Maui, basking in the sunlight, drinking cocktails, lazily making love and surrendering to the calm that surrounds them far away from San Diego and their jobs.

  
More than once, Mike catches himself regarding Rachel as if she was an apparition, a concoction his own brain created to lull him into this serenity he fears will end sooner than it began. All the feelings the mark awoke in him coarse his bloodstream more rapidly than before, and he concludes it must be due to their official union.

  
At night, when she’s asleep, exhausted by their recent lovemaking, soft snores escaping her, Mike traces his fingers along her mark, relishing in the way goosebumps appear on her delicate skin. His heart is full of emotions he can’t quite classify yet, but he doesn’t think it’s important to identify them at all.

  
He’s elated, loved, on cloud nine and wishes to never come down.

  
* * * * *  
When Mike looks into her eyes, he thinks he can see a reflection of himself – the turmoil of emotions stirred by the symbol’s effects on them. They run deep, power him, drive him to do better than he ever did and make this work.

  
She smiles and laughs constantly, blinding him with her brightness and sometimes he thinks the universe has been too kind to him by binding him to Rachel because sometimes he thinks he’s not good enough for her.

  
He’s got all this baggage with his dad leaving him and his mom, never offering any explanation, having to watch his mother wither before him year after year because her soulmate deemed it right to abandon her just like that. She’s all to carefree and unburdened and knows not what torments his soul whenever he’s selfish enough to allow himself to believe it’s all real with her.

  
* * * * *  
When they get back from heaven and settle into the hectic routines of their respective jobs, Mike finds the knot of anxiety in his stomach loosening.

Because they work perfectly together.

In spite of their busy and often conflicting schedules, they still manage to have dinner together at least four times a week, still manage to go on dates and have fun, watch old movies and make fun of cheesy horrors movies, and be there for each other.

It is why, when he pulls Rachel closer, wrapping himself around her as if fearing she might slip away if he loosened his grip even the slightest, that he has to remind himself it is ok for him to let go of that ever-present sense of trepidation.

  
* * * * *  
Jackie keeps asking him if they plan on having kids in the near future. Yes, he answers every time, but we’re really busy right now with our careers and we just want to enjoy each other before adding another person to our lives.

  
He’s lying to her, he knows he’s lying to himself too, daily. He wants kids now not later, and he can most definitely already picture a toddler with a fiery red hair and emerald eyes running around the house but there is no way he will pressure Rachel into something she’s not ready. His fear of loneliness, his fucked up daddy issues should not factor in, what he deems, the most important decision they will make as couple.

  
Being a parent is anything but an easy task - his mother is a hero on her own for managing to raise him with meagre wages and odd jobs that took a heavy toll on her - that his own fear of failure as a parent hinders him from even speaking to Rachel about. He’s not fifty but hundred and fifty shades of fucked up with doubts and feeling of inadequacy, his faithful companions.

  
So he doesn’t mention kids around Rachel at all for the first few years of their marriage, instead opting to savour every moment he has with her, showering her with as much love and attention as someone as broken as him can offer.

  
* * * * *  
His mother never had many friends, and few that she did have all but disappeared the moment they found out her soulmate had left her. So it is of no surprise to him that Jackie latches onto Rachel and decides she’ll be her friend and ally in everything. Mike finds it endearing and sad at the same time. He’s been a witness of his mother’s loneliness for years and the joy his union with Rachel brings to her makes Mike’s heart ache because he knows Jackie will never again know that kind of happiness.

  
Rachel calls Jackie on weekly basis, makes sure she’s taken care of, invites her for dinners, going as far as to introduce her with her girlfriends and organizing girls’ nights and basically does everything to make Jackie feel a part of their family.

  
Mike loves her even more for it.

  
* * * * *  
Things are working out perfectly well into their fourth year of marriage and Mike thinks both Rachel and he are ready to finally have the talk. They have never been better, both financially and romantically, in spite of some turbulent events that happen every so often. He contemplates retiring, satisfied with his life, all the while harbouring that little spark that whizzes in his mind now more than ever.

  
He thinks Rachel must want kids too now. He loves her with every fibre of his being and he knows she loves him as fervently, but all the same, he thinks they can spare a part of their hearts to share that love with another being – one that will be a wonderful blend of them both and make their days brighter than they already are.

  
* * * * *  
He’s got it all planned out. A quite night in, dinner with all her favourite food, a nice bottle of wine – just to ease him into the conversation – and an open heart.

  
On his way to the station where Rachel is just wrapping up this night’s programme, Mike stops by Rachel’s favourite patisserie quite a few miles outside the city to get her those éclairs she craves for all the time.

  
The night seems clear, there’s some sixties’ ballad playing on the radio as he drives and he’s all lost in thought, when he notices a few drops appearing on the windscreen.

  
Great, just great, he mumbles angrily, praying he gets home before it starts pouring.

  
Five minutes later, it’s raining cats and dogs and Mike has a hard time seeing anything through the thick curtain of rain. He slows down, squinting to make out other cars, fearing collision. Not long after, his gets a headache and starts grunting under his breath. The drive has already taken up more time than he had predicted and the rain is making it impossible to pick up Rachel on time.

  
He can’t see quite clearly, but knowing these roads like the back of his hand, Mike makes a right turn, relying on his mind map that’s telling him he’s getting off the highway and onto the old road leading to the part of the city the station’s in.

  
He realises all too late he made the wrong turn, in vain stomping onto the breaks. The panic overwhelms him as he struggles to maintain the control over the vehicle. A screeching sound fills his ears as he grips onto the steering wheel, something akin to scream joining it seconds later.

  
The car hits hard against a road fence, breaking through it easily and Mike feels the full force of the impact in his bones that rattle in his body, shock immediately spreading through his flesh after which he blacks out.

  
The car spins a few times, remaining suspended in the air a few moments then tumbling down into a ravine, crashing against the rocks.

  
END OF PART 2


	3. There Is Nothing but Nothingness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won't pretend I have any knowledge of medical stuff but I'll try to make it believable as we progress further with the fic.

For the first few days, he’s in and out of consciousness, teetering on the edge of awareness of the pain spreading throughout his body, and falling into complete oblivion.

  
After three weeks, Mike finally manages to open his eyes and actually keep them that way without the pull of dreamland. He blinks a few times before glancing around the room he’s in.

  
_Hospital_ , that much he realises. There’s a red-haired woman sleeping on a sofa under the window. The blinds on it are drawn so he has no idea whether it is day or night nor what time it is. His mind suddenly swirls with odd flashes that he has to shake his head to stop the onslaught.

  
The woman stirs on the sofa, startled awake by Mike’s yelp of pain. She’s at his side in seconds, seizing his hand gently as tears stream down her face.

  
“Oh, my god! Mike, I can’t- I can’t believe you’re finally awake.”

  
She moves to, he presumes, hug him but Mike flinches. His brows furrow before he croaks, “Sorry, I-I don’t remember.”

  
Her face falls, lips scrunching in an ‘o’, her hand leaving his, wrapping her arms around herself as if to hold herself together. It’s hard seeing her like this, this stranger he knows cares about him, but his mind is in blank right now.

  
“I’ll call the doctor. I’m glad you’re awake, honey.”

  
The term of endearment tugs at something in his heart, but it’s only for a fleeting moment before all restores to the previous state of ignorance. His eyelids flutter for a few seconds before he’s asleep again.

  
* * * * *  
The next time he wakes up, there are two women at his bedside – the redhead from before and an older woman. They’re both chewing on their lips, the older woman holding onto the redhead for support as the two doctors who came into the room soon after he woke up relate in calm and cool tone his condition.

  
They tell him he had mad luck, surviving the kind of accident he had. The extent of his injuries shocks him, more so when he sees the older woman – his mom, they told him – burst into tears and Rachel - his wife - brushing her cheeks.

  
Four fractured and three bruised ribs, a severe concussion, a broken leg and arm of his right side. Spinal and pelvic injuries, broken cheekbone, heavy contusions and scrapes all over his body.

  
The doctors continue to list his injuries but somehow all Mike hears is white noise. He can’t seem to concentrate on them, his mind’s still blank. He catches them saying they estimate it will take him months to fully recover and gain complete control of his body; that it will take month for his body, all those fractures and bruises to heal properly.

  
Rachel asks if he will be able to play again. He wonders what she means. Is he some kind of a musician? An athlete? Too caught up in Rachel’s question, he doesn’t hear the answer.

  
The doctors then leave to attend other patients, leaving him yet again with Rachel and his mother.

  
“Don’t worry, Mikey. We’ll take such a good care of you,” his mom says in between harsh gasps, clutching his hands between his as he stares blankly at her. Rachel notices that so she gives him a soft smile meant to reassure him further, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.

  
“I know you’re scared and confused honey, but we’ll help you with everything.”

  
Mike just nods since, apparently, he has no words for them. Rachel and his mom then leave to go get something to eat and soon after Mike dozes off.

  
A few hours later, he starts waking up from his dreamless sleep, only to hear hushed voices outside his bedroom. He recognises them – Rachel and one of the doctors. Rachel asks about his amnesia, how serious it is, if he will recover any of his memories. The doctor tells her it’s important to let Mike rest, make him feel relaxed and not put pressure on him to remember anything since it can cause him more harm. They’ll talk to him later to assess what to do, he assures her.

  
The voices become silent then, the conversation presumably having ended. Mike keeps his eyes closed, focusing on the sound of raindrops hitting the windowsill.

  
It all seems too bizarre to be real. But he’s already been asleep and has woken up to this more than once, so it must be a reality - a strange one at that.

  
It hits him violently, the realization he feels nothing. No physical pain (though he attributes that to the drugs they pumped him with) nor emotional one. He feels sorry for these women who are suffering for him, because of him, but search as he may, he doesn’t find an ounce of feelings for them within himself. Mike doesn’t even feel tortured or hopeless by the knowledge of what he’s been through and all that he’s yet to go through.

  
Is it possible an accident that erased his memory erased the whole of him? He tries and tries but feels no lingering emotions for anything. In that moment, the sense of peace enveloping him since he first woke up abandons him, delivering him instead to panic and anxiety.

  
Who is he? Who the hell is this Mike? Why doesn’t he feel right in this body, this place?

  
_Calm down, calm down_ , he repeats to himself, like a mantra, until his white-knuckled fingers release their deathly grip on the sheets, until his body stops trembling of fear and his breath is no longer as ragged.

  
_You’re gonna be all right_. There’s no use in alerting others to his condition. They wouldn’t understand. _You’re gonna be all right._

* * * * *  
Minutes and hours blend into each other, making him even more disoriented than he already is. Try as he might, he can’t pretend everything is all right when it isn’t.

  
He is a stranger to himself, surrounded by other strangers who know more - scratch that. Who know everything about him. He’s in the dark and nothing makes sense and he wishes to scream his lungs out, wishes to rip all these things he’s hooked on, yank them out of his arms and run away.

  
But he can’t ‘cause he’s bedridden, he’s hurt, broken in body and soul.

  
He is sick of himself and people, of this nothingness that is his constant companion.

  
There is nothing he can do against that nothingness because he is that nothingness.

  
He is hollow in mind and heart.

  
* * * * *  
Days later, when he’s more comfortable in his body, in this bed, among doctors and nurses coming in and out of his room, Mike asks Rachel to tell him about – well, him. Them.

  
The blinds are pulled up, letting a solid amount of light into the room. It’s just after one p.m. and there’s not a cloud in the sky. Somehow it brightens Mike’s mood which emboldens him to seek answers about himself he feels he wouldn’t ask any other way.

  
Rachel, her hair tied in a neat ponytail, dressed in a flowing mint green sundress, pulls up a chair next to his bed and sits, adjusting her dress. She has a strained smile on her lips, like she is not completely sure what to tell him first or if she should tell him anything at all, considering the way they’ve been for the past couple of weeks.

  
Mike can’t blame her. She came every day, a smile on her face that would disappear the moment she laid eyes on his unwelcoming mug. They have hardly exchanged a few words, mostly about his progress in recovering. Rachel would start talking about her job, his mother and why she couldn’t come (Jackie had a minor breakdown after he woke up from coma and was order to take it easy and postpone visiting her son for awhile); she would mention ‘the guys’ and talk about Al but the ubiquitous disinterest from Mike dimmed her enthusiasm so she stopped talking altogether, like him.

  
She stars speaking though, eyes firmly set on his hand on the covers. She tells him how they met, tells him about their marks and what they mean. The further she talks, the more confident she gets, lifting her eyes and beaming at him as she leads him down her memory lane (since he’s got none).

  
“The wedding was so magical, it was like a fairytale,” Rachel squeals, wiping a stray tear off her cheek.

  
Mike nods. Says nothing. To be honest, he is still waiting for that surge of happiness he is supposed to fell to overwhelm him. Nothing of sorts happens.

  
By the end of Rachel’s storytelling, Mike is already so frustrated with himself. What kind of a person is he that nothing his wife says provokes anything from him?

  
Managing a weak smile, he thanks Rachel. Recoils when he notes hope in her eyes; hope that her words might have evoked a memory or two of their life together.

  
“I’m sorry, I-I ... I-” words suffocate him, resist coming out of his mouth.

It’s Rachel’s turn to nod in understanding, albeit reluctantly and with great sadness in her eyes. She gets up, excuses herself by saying she needs some air. Mike hears her small sob just before she closes the door behind her.

  
He has no words. He has no memories. He has nothing to hold onto.

  
The grim reality finally begins to settle in his mind.

END OF PART 3


End file.
